Monday, August 7, 2017

Who's the Villain? by Louise Tuddenham

Hello there! I see you've picked up this story in hope to find a good read. Sit down on the couch, and grab a cup of tea, or coffee, or whiskey if you like. Now, read on, my friend.

I live on 21 Albath Street, Omaha. It's a lovely house, isn't it? Apart from the garden. It was my wife's job. I cooked, she gardened. Follow me, I'll show you around. The front doors a bit creaky, but I'll fix it sometime. This is my room, and this was my kid’s room. You should have seen it. One side painted dark navy, posters of Star Wars and Marvel up on one side, and the other pale pink and posters of bands up. Will loved One Direction. He still does. Living room, dining room. Nice table, huh. I bought it from the old lady down the street. She's lovely, but now I rarely see her. Please excuse the empty bottles, it's a terrible habit of mine. It dims the anxiety a little, better than any medication I've been on. This is my study. That's a family photo, and that's my wife. A sight for sore eyes. And my two kids, the Devils. That's what Sara and I used to call them. They weren't though, they were lovely. Sorry, must be something in my eye, I seem to be tearing up. I talk about my family as if they're dead, don't I? They're not, though.

Anyway, if you come through here, I'll show you something cool. Can you keep a secret? Good, because if this leaked out, I... This way, over here. Yeah. Push that button, and punch in 7742.
Great! This is my secret room. There's my suit, and there are my, well, I don't like to call them weapons, but I guess they are. Hero weapons, you know? Like Batman. My alias is The Winged
One. I can fly, but only with the power of these wings. Some heavy duty science right there. So, would you like to come to work with me? The job that pays as well as the hero one. Yeah, I'll say you’re an apprentice. Ah, you're studying Accountancy? Well, it’s your lucky day! I'll drive, I got my licence back, need to practise and everything.

I need to break into a bank tonight, word is they've been cheating money off their customers, so I'm going to steal it back. No! This is all hero work! You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette,
I say. Well, yes, but I try to use it in ways that benefit the public. You see? Of course. Sometimes I donate it to charity. Yes. Well, here we are! Oh, don't mention the hero thing. Please.
Hi Jolene! This is, uh, Mark! He's my apprentice for the day. Would you please fix up the client in the waiting room? Thanks Jolene! That's the receptionist. Just through here, to the elevator.
Seventh floor. So, today I'll show you what we do here, maybe give you some pointers. And you're
Mark for the day, okay? This is my desk, sorry about the mess.

Long day, wasn't it? Time for the hero work! I have an old suit you can wear, and it has wings so you can fly! So the plan is, at 2 in the morning, we fly up on the roof. I break in, and without the cameras seeing me, I disable all security. Then, we take the money from the safe and leave. Easy.

Oh, but we have to make sure not to attract the attention of Red Cape. They’re the most annoying anti-hero ever. Ugh, just thinking about them is making me sick. So, I suggest having a nap when we get home, and I'll plan the ins and outs of the heroic act, yeah? You can sleep in the secret room, I have a pull out bed. Have a nice sleep. I'll wake you up at one so you can get ready. I'll do your makeup and everything! You'll look so cool.

 Ooh, careful, your wings are a tad rusty. Stay flying in front of me, I don’t want you to fall. Okay, so,
The Red Cape and their gang - what? Oh, no, they’re gender fluid. Even though I hate ‘em, you gotta use the right pronouns, am I right? So, their gang are going to be coming through here during our, ah, heist, for a lack of a better word, so we gotta watch out.

Through here, this is the safe. Yeah, just take the bags, leave those ones. Be quiet! Okay, come through here - oh no, it’s the Red Cape. Hi there, Red. How's it going? Oh shut it with the justice speech, alright? I’m not a villain, I’m doing it for the people. Yes! Oh, this is, ah, the Winged

I can’t believe you pulled those karate moves on them! That was so cool, man. What? What do you mean by the, oh. Yeah. Well, just because they called me a villain, doesn't mean I am one. What am I planning on doing with the money? Well, I’ll mostly pay for the divorce, but, uh, I could donate some to some peculiar charity. No, wait, that’s not fair! I’m not a villain! Please, I’m running out of money, I need this! Why are you so flabbergasted? Don’t leave, please. You’re a great friend, please don’t leave me, I’ve been through enough already! Well, yeah, but - NO! THAT’S NOT WHO
I AM! You don’t understand! Please don’t go. WAIT!

 Now, as we’re coming to the end of the story, I’m sure you’ve realised that I’m not the hero. I’m the villain. Always have, always will be. Stop struggling, you can’t get out of this. It's design to kill, there are no faults. You know my identity, and I can’t let that get out. So, I really only have one thing to say. Thanks, and goodbye.

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